My boss submitted her letter of resignation to the Director of the lab last Monday. On Tuesday, she phoned the office to tell me the news. She had planned to return from her maternity leave in January -- a mere 2 weeks away, but had decided that it wouldn't work out for her. After our conversation, I realized that although I will miss her here, I felt oddly relieved for her.
We had long talks in the office when I was pregnant about what it was like to work and care for a child, and she gave me the very best advice of anyone. She never romanticized the situation. There is no way to know if you will want to return to your old life before you have the baby. Accepting your new reality is one of the hardest parts of parenthood. You will have to make many concessions and learn to compromise both at home and at work. There is no way to properly prepare yourself for the changes ahead, you just have to see how you feel afterward. I listened intently to her lessons, thinking that I'd absorbed all the wisdom in them at the time, but only truly comprehending after Alden became a formidable reality. My boss is truly the wisest person I know. Still, despite knowing these truths, she had convinced herself that the second child wouldn't be any harder than the first, that she would be able to return to work after a year, that her son would accept his new reality, sharing his mother with the laboratory. Life didn't work out as she'd planned.
My boss labored for 4 years on her Ph.D. in Molecular Biology, then spent the following 5 years in two consecutive post doc positions, after which she was able to sandwich two Research Scientist positions between having a baby. Now that she's leaving science, I wonder if she feels disappointed with all that time spent training and developing her career. I wonder if it feels like wasted time. I probably would feel that way, but my boss seems to handle herself with such dignity and grace, I suspect she is focusing instead on her family and is relishing that wonderful feeling of relief that comes with letting go of a tremendous responsibility.
Viruses are harder to propagate than most people might think. The host cells have to
be healthy and in just the right physiological condition. Starving, over-crowded or stressed hosts repel viruses like water off a duck's back. Even in the correct physiological state, if the viral binding sites are blocked or deformed in any manner, the viruses will never take hold. If the cell manages to stave off the attack or somehow recognize and evict the intruder, then you'll fail to propagate them again. I can't tell you how many times I've spent weeks setting up cultures to propagate viruses, only to be stymied over and over. The cells are happily growing in their petri dish weeks later. Biology -- life -- lays waste to our best laid plans. I've been thinking about that a lot lately.
My decision to abandon a Ph.D. was one of the hardest of my life. I'd never given up on anything before. It was embarrassing and shameful. But I still think it was the best decision I've ever made. When I think about my boss and all that she is giving up to be a better mother, I am inspired by her dedication but also grateful that I won't need to confront a decision like hers. There are times when I think that I should have stayed the course, especially when I see my grad student cohort graduating, starting post docs and launching their careers. One of them is actually applying to be a scientist at the lab here, which still feels a little weird. If I had those impressive letters behind my name, I'd be a real scientist, not just a lab monkey. I'd be more respected in the scientific and broader communities. I'd have more influence over the questions I'm investigating. Maybe I'd even make more money and have a more secure job. But I also might find myself letting it all go to be a better mom. And that's much more bittersweet. Right now things feel as balanced as I can get them and maybe I can keep it that way, at least a little while longer. I've learned now that the only way I'll know for sure is to wait and see. And if I do end my career in science to stay at home and raise my child, at least I'll be in good company.
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2 comments:
Hi Lana;
Just read your blog on job/phd versus motherhood. Many many women work and have babies, but there is a delicate balance between sanity and pandemonium when choosing to do both at the same time. The fact that you are finding your balance is a wonderful achievement in and of itself. You must never feel bad for giving up a 'career' as a scientist. I was going to be a biblical archeologist before chosing a life with Rob instead........of course I wonder where that path would have led, but one cannot know the results of choices not taken, so why bother tormenting yourself. There is no job more important than motherhood. If you look at it in those terms, doing what you are doing professionally is just icing on the cake. You didn't 'quit', or 'give up'.....you made a choice and it is a fine and noble one. Your boss is now making a choice too.........believe me, the second kid does that......I was finishing up a second degree in accounting when Jessie came along (2 courses short) and that killed that plan! I think it's great that your boss has enough confidence in herself to be able to see things in a way that makes her able to make the choice she is making. Don't ever feel anything but happy about the choices you make. Had a great time seeing you in D.C. love, AK
Hi Kay,
Thanks for your comments and reflections. (I didn't know you considereing careers in biblical archeology and accounting!) Even though I've been reflecting a lot about what it means to have a career and be a mom, if anything, the choice my boss chose makes me feel better about my own decisions than I had before. My post was meant to be uplifting, because I've finally learned how to let go of those nagging would'ves. I've realized that "having it all", that loftly goal so highly prized by so many women, and therefore something I thought I wanted, only makes me miserable. And I've also learned that motherhood is the most important thing I can do in this world, more important than any discovery in the lab. I respect and admire my boss tremendously for her decision, and I know it didn't come lightly. But it's something I've been grappling with as well and I think I've reached a peace with my own decision after watching my boss grapple with hers. It's kind of liberating, actually. I also know that if things change for me and I give up work to raise a child, that I don't think I'd view it as failure anymore, since there really is no more noble a pursuit. I do feel much better about myself and my choices, actually. I guess I could have made that clearer in my post, though.
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